hey. well im doing better than i was the couple previous months
recap: ~ I moved back in with my grandparents ~ I met my biological father...{{he found me on myspace =\}} ~ I broke up with my boyfriend OFFICIALLY single now =] love him still with all my heart but cant take it so im done with all now.. ~ new best friend mark!! <333 so much thanks for everything
okay so yeah.. tomorrow tis my Birthday XP not sure what im going to do now >.< my ex said he wanted to go to scream zone w/ me... but im confused now so i dont know what to do as always. school is actually pretty cool have the best teachers EVER! an hour in each class so time flys pretty quick. met some chill peeps. hehe they awesome. my english class is the best one so far i get to write and catch up on my unfinished stories that i haven't continued in so long... now all i need is a new camera =P hahah this time i promise i wont break it...(yet) haha so yeah thats it so far i guess...
wait...\
no
i met this guy... dont know how i feel about him yet.. im still too hung up on my ex which is kind of sad i know but im done i cant do it anymore..too much there dont know where to start so yeah..
wow..over this time i think its it.. no more back and forth..hmm..*sigh* well i guess im still going to see conor i mean what am i supposed to do sit around wallow ...ill do that when i get my life over w/..but yeah this time ill make sure nothing happens.. mainly cuz he has gf and well..um i dont have anyone anymore but ive moved on from c and the past is past this time.. if theres anything he can offer me is the wonderful green stuff which makes me happy now..(i repeat it was my first time!! )
[
%%]
[
mood
|
nostalgic
]
guess who i keep running into... conor the boy who never quits. this time it wasn't because he wanted to see me or anything but...bleh it was a coincidence that we both went to the same store and got the same snacks and books.. right?...>_< i hope.. just i tried so hard to get away and continue which i was doing perfectly until stupid fuckin moo and sara the jew face went and ruined it for me -_- but w/e right? well no. cuz everyones noticing the whole change in me and vicky wanted to know what was going on but i just ignore everybody. geez. i bet its gonna be like freshman yr again when i went all MIA for awhile -_-... well back to the main topic of today im supposed to meet him later on during the weekend which i should of spent with stupid moo but bleh -_-... he was being all "lagjlagjlafjdlas" so i shall spend it w/ conor i guess. its not like i have anything else to do and he's good at advice so i can talk to him about things. though..he might get a little uncomfortable but maybe not since we agreed to be friends and stay that way.but yeah we're going out for some ice cream and a little walk around town. we'll see how it goes. you know..ever since that day i thought conor was bad news but .. hes always been there for me.. even when i was with someone else and i gave my whole heart to have it broken over and over. i mean not many people would stick around after that but i did. why because i thought i found it. the one. but he proved me wrong...how naive was I? im only 15 i have my life ahead of me.
im just confused and theres no ones here to shine clarity my way.. well maybe..if i go i might get it but im not too sure.. here's the people i care about that have shown my clarity before..but now have failed...
devonte: one i love yet breaks me over and over.. sara: one of my best friends who "used" to be there all the time Jacki: the one that never fails me at all yet can not provide the happyness this time around John: one who feels like a brother and makes me happy when im down and gives clarity to those who know what to look for when he talks.. conor: the "ex" who has always been there yet..i never truly cared for him as much as now which i regret because if i did then maybe i would have believed him..but he has kind of a stalkery thing going on at the moment -_-
[
%%]
[
mood
|
depressed
]
[
music
|
way back into love
]
Split personalities are hard to deal with _-_-... well here are some highlight of the week.. yes i know. i haven't updated in a long time due to well hiatus i guess.. which i think i just might have again..internet is horrible i tell you! never go on...
ok. so i thought everything was fixed between me and that jerk face -_- but apparently not. like always he started being a jerk just when i was about to tell him that i was going to go. but NO he goes on and being a jerk and i realize that V(Youko-shima -_- split person...) was right after all.. im fighting a lost cause.. and i think of giving up but then i remember what T said "the road of love has many detours disguised as road blocks.." but its just so hard.. he assumes too much and i can't take it ..like i didnt want to go to his graduation that my appointments were excuses..and then he gets jealous out of nowhere when i tell him about my second husband (its only a game i think of him as a brother nothing more) but he doesn't listen to me..Oh and get this i apparently dont talk to him about my problems! i do that all the time and he just sugar coats EVERYTHING!!! maybe its just from my point of view but i always get the feeling that im second..ill never be one in his heart and that hurts .. alot
hes made me cry so many times and yet i still go back knowing its probably not gonna work .. i just refuse to give up cuz i think..i know .. that i really love him..but i dont feel it back.. i have always been awful/terrible at expressing how i feel and maybe thats why...i just dont know..
wow..you know i can't really believe its over. we didn't even make it a year, we were just 4 days away. i didn't know what i was gonna lose by breaking up with him. god! DO NOT and i repeat DO NOT EVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE LISTEN TO YOUR THERAPIST!!!! THEY ARE WRONG!! *sigh* but they do help you realize inner problems which sucks!! i learned that i never really trusted him because he lied in the beginning of our relationship, he said he broke up with her for me, and then the next week after i break up with my then current boyfriend hes all well...i never actually broke up with her..but i was so overwhelmed by the fact that we were now together that i overlooked that. and i ignored it and never talked to him about how i felt (yes, he broke up w/ her later, im not gonna go out w/ someone while they still have a gf. but be aware i didn't know!) well in the long run the lie he told made me not turst him at all. on a friend level yea ok, but more than that i couldn't.
well later on i learned i was super jealous freak! i hated it when he talked to his "exes"(sp? iono;blah) and when he talked about them. it was just idk, but yeah. then the fact that to all of them he's said he loves them and that just makes me woner if he really understands that meaning.. well i also have trust issues...especially with family, cuz well my family barely knows the real me. my friends know more about me than they do and i guess thats bad but i dont really care.
im not done with this yet...but i have to go...update soon
I DONT KNOW WHY BUT I JUST FEEL THAT WAY!!! MAD AT SO MANY PEOPLE SAD BECAUSE OF THOSE PEOPLE AND FRUSTRATED BECAUSE I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!
T_T
[
%%]
[
mood
|
gloomy
]
OMG!!! MY DAD FIXED MY COMPUTER TODAY!!!! IM SO HAPPY!!! BUT .. sad ..cuz yeah ...blah!!! hmm...im bored and no ones talking to me grrness....
oh yeah i like this song!!!
[
%%]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ why im putting this here idk but BLAH :D
you know im really hungry and sleepy the last time i remember eating is thanksgiving and i got a lil tipsy >_< I SWEAR IT WASN'T MY FAULT IT WAS TIMMY'S HE GAVE IT TO ME!!!!! LOL
anyways .. this is what happened
my grandma well step gave me some smirnoff(sp?)and my mom gave me a jose cuervo margarita >_< so yeah i got a bit tipsy but you know it could just be me...well anyways we were all at my aunt and uncles place right and they and my parents were outside drinking..so i go outside w/ my couisin (12yr). well there is this lady shes my aunts neighbor and lives across the street and she's pretty drunk >_< lol well...they all go over to her house and play pool and drink some more well i end up goin cuz my grandparents had work the next day and we had to go home so i had to go get them..well when i get there my aunt introduces me to the rachelle (neighbor) and shes all like "hi cassandra" "did you know i have a niece named cassandra and all cassandras are beautiful" and im like oh my god... well then she grabs me by the hand and she introduces me to all her guests. her cousins,friends and her brother who was in the pool shirtless name david and aka HOTT but not my type xP well maybe but im taken so no hehe...well when she introduced me ...she said i was HER NIECE and im just "..." and thinking 'mommy help me'... lol but yeah it was a pretty cool thanksgiving except for those random moments id cry out of idk >_< well yeah it was cool
today .. was very interesting if i do say so myself
ok well first i woke up and finished reading my book that jen gave me "Girls Guide to Witchcraft" by Mindy Klasky. which is such a good book and i can't wait til the second one comes out next month!!! :D
well after that i had breakfast and i got ready and all that weird stuff then i went with my so called "family" to la jolla to go shop for a dress for my B-day dinner which i dont want! >_< T_T but have to go to... oh! and i found the perfect dress!!! Its a Dark torquoise color w/ glitter here and there and i LOVE LOVE LOVE it!
well after that we came back home and i saw cameron who was my only friend throughout the time i lived there (aka i was at my grandparents) well i haven't seen him since cuz i heard his parents got divorced and he moved with his dad. well now he moved back with his mom and i saw him which made me happy. well, we went to go walk my other dog angel (pitbull she is soooo cute) well yeah then we came back home and now im here talking to my Boyfriend and typing this up ...
I was gonna write about a weird dream i had... but i can't remember what it was about T_T that sucks huh?
well um...anyways...i have community service today! im working at an autumn festival at hope elementary and after that well...more like in a month ill be be a candy striper! yup yup! im gonna help out at the watchamacallit hospital...oh im sick...aand i feel gross T_T
energetic
nostalgic
depressed
rejuvenated